A New Perspective on Love

A new perspective on love:

Love really doesn’t make sense.

It is irrational.

 

I was disillusioned to think my love for m was not a “true” form of love

Because it was clouded with codependency, depression,

low sense of self worth, no sense of self.

 

But that is not the full extent of it.

There were very positive experiences within it.

 

Nothing is all good or all bad.

Sometimes it just is.

 

I realized my love for m was real when I knew I will always feel a love for him

even though there is not a rational, logical reason why I should.

It is not out of obligation or guilt. It just is.

 

BG reminded me it’s like the relationship with my mom. I’ll always love her,

even though it was a very toxic relationship at one point.

Even though she hurt me. Even though I chose to cut her out of my life

as an act of self-preservation.

 

It was love for me but there is love for her.

A love that says, I know who I wanted you to be

and I know who you are.

I know your abilities and inabilities.

I know how you express love.

And I accept this is who you are.

I chose to accept you for you

but I also am allowed to choose

how you show up or do not in my life.

That is a healthy love.

 

Loving someone but choosing to remove myself doesn’t mean I love them any less.

Love doesn’t change that. Love does not look one way.

 

An unhealthy love says,

stay in that toxic orbit because you love them.

An unhealthy love says,

I let them hurt me because I love them.

 

But love doesn’t go away.

The love will be there but I choose how I act on that love:

will it be in self-destruction or in self-preservation?

 

I did not truly understand that nature of love – or a piece of it –

until I acknowledged my love for m is still there.

There is still – a year later – a part of me that hopes

that one day we can have a relationship

when we are more lived in individuals

more self aware, more evolved.

 

I’ll always have a tiny sliver of hope

my mom will get better.

I’ll allow myself to get closer to her.

 

Our orbits are not fixed.

But do I let that tiny sliver of hope stop me from moving forward? No.

It’s healthy to have that sliver of hope and put it down.

 

I don’t have to struggle against it

wish it would go away, yell at it.

Blame myself, reason with it.

 

I can just let it be.

Accept it, honor it,

but most of all,

Honor myself.

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Ethnic

My dark brown skin

My dark brown eyes

My curly black hair

 

I am grateful for these

For they are mine.

 

They are gifted to me by God

the Universe, A song played by my ancestors

My mothers’ mothers’ mothers’

Mother

 

Generations of beautiful, brave women;

Women like me.

 

I am proud of how tall I stand

My frame, my name

My lineage of strong Filipina women

Holding space in the ways they could and did

 

A note hanging in the balance waiting to play

Slicing the silence; she plays.

 

Up until now

You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true. - Richard Bach

Up until now,

I have believed I am not worthy

of financial stability.

But now,

I am so happy and grateful

I am not meant to live a life of struggle.

Why would I be destined to live a life of lack?

Up until now,

I have been afraid of risk

and fearful of failure.

But now,

I am so happy and grateful

I am worth the risk.

My life is worth risk for an existence

in alignment with my truth.

Up until now,

I have been fearful of change.

But now,

I am so happy and grateful

my life requires change in order for it to be fulfilling.

Up until now,

I have made excuses for staying small.

But now,

I am so happy and grateful

I am able and willing to push beyond my comfort zone.

Up until now,

I have been asking the ocean of life for a teaspoon.

But now,

I am so happy and grateful

I am as vastly infinite as the ocean of life.

Up until now,

I have existed in duality

Judged myself mercilessly

for being in conflict.

But now,

I am so happy and grateful

the magic is in the conflict and I am capable

of the harmonious balance life has to offer.

For all of these things I am grateful.

And so it is.

Author's Note

Hi friends!

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. Inspiration has been there but it reached critical capacity in the past week or so. I have taken a huge risk for myself because I am worth the risk! I enrolled in a 12 week coaching program with a transformational life coach and am currently on week 3. It was a scary leap for me because it required me to dig deep financially and have faith this is for my highest good. I am working on believing the abundance within me and allowing it to be.

One of the tools to shift my mindset has been this “Up until now… and I am so happy and grateful now that…” statement. It requires me to notice what I am noticing and to draw a line in the sand. To acknowledge how it has been and to replace it with my new truth. Addressing my old ways of thinking that no longer serve me has been a practice for me in ACA but this takes it even further and I am so grateful for this expansion that is working its way through me.

Blessings, love, and light to you all.

Love, me.

I am the sky, ever present

I am the sky, ever present
This pain will not swallow me whole

I am not so small as I once felt

 

My fears and emotions do not carry me in its stormy flood water

I am not a fragment of a ship wreck

Splintered and shattered to pieces

Thrown against the rocky shores

 

I am the sky, ever present

Holding the storms as they pass

Showing the sun as it rises

Letting the rain fall as it must

 

I carry my fears and emotions in my hands held to my heart

Knowing with gentle ease that this will pass

I allow it to take its place, a guest that is

Here, not to stay just to visit

 

I know it will not linger

Acknowledge accept

House it for the time being

And I will allow it to be so

Permission to Rest

I turn inward, post Christmas

Breathing deep, resting.

Gently, slowly, peacefully,

It is time to rest.

 

I am grateful for these quiet moments.

My mind body and soul know it is time to refill

Replenish restore

Bundle up and hold still

 

Wrapping my arms around me

Feeling the floor beneath me

Center ground collect

Warm soft soothing

 

Permission to rest, to be.

Take this time to hold space.

To feel space to feel me, again.

 

Author's Note

Hi friends, I hope you take time to slow down after the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I had a very intense couple of weeks preparing gifts and my house for guests. It took a lot of mental, physical, and emotional labor to host a Christmas for 11 people. I was happy to do it but I recognize how much rest I need. It’s a holiday hangover of sorts!

I am still processing the events of the past couple of days. I’ll take this time to journal, rest, stretch my body, feed my mind, feed my soul. I am grateful for this quiet calm, this acceptance, this peace.

May you feel your feelings, know your needs, and receive what you need.

Love, me.

Melodies Just Like Us

If I could put us into music it would be soft and melodic

It would feel like a quiet Sunday afternoon our legs tangled on the couch ending in toes to toes

It would sound like the hum of the car driving and rocking you to sleep in the passenger seat

It would feel like your favorite childhood memory resting in clouds

The sound of my nerves at ease the sound of a beat that makes me float

It would be a guitar strumming in the distance on a warm night

 

It would be the free form dance my body unfolds without a second thought

It would be the small smile that forms on my lips before the punch line hits

It would be my skin warm and soft after a hot shower

It would be my tongue poised for a taste

 

It would be bliss it would be the feeling of hunger satisfied;

content yet I will always want more of our melodies.

Of all the ways we could be, I would love us to be just like this.

Exciting news!

My Etsy Shop is Now Open!

One of the most fulfilling parts of my self love journey has been feeling capable and confident in expressing my creative abilities. If you would have asked me a year ago if I would ever put my heartache and hopes online in a blog (let alone call it poetry) I would have laughed.

I am SO PROUD of who I am becoming.

With that said, I’ve finally opened up my Etsy shop selling handcrafted greeting cards and gifts. A lot of the cards and largely inspired by pieces on this blog! If you like any of my original photos/graphics, you can choose them as part of any purchase.

I hope you stayed tuned because there will be LOTS more going up on my shop including apparel, accessories, and various stationery items.

LOTS O LOVE,

me.